A public apology
I thank everyone for their wise and important comments on my most recent piece.
I’m very sorry for deleting and blocking people when I was overwhelmed and reactive the other day, especially after deliberately posting something so sensational.
I have since unblocked these people and sent apologies for my rude reactivity.
It was wrong, insensitive to the pain of others, and self-centered of me to use the term “indigenous” in such a provocative manner in that most recent piece.
... AND it was somehow simultaneously also a very healing, kind, and ecstatically liberating statement to read for very many people of all colors and backgrounds - melanated, Native American, black, white, Indian, Korean, etc.
At least that’s what I learned from reading all the comments and messages I received....
... people (of all sorts) seem to have felt it quite strongly either one way or another.
(The original post is pasted down at the bottom of this post, for those who don't know what I'm referring to)
Despite my uncentered reactivity the other day that led me to do the shitty blocking and deleting, I realized that when grounded in my heart I fully agree with everyone who commented.
Yes, I know agreeing with everyone (considering the polarized responses) is a paradox and it’s also true.
Just like it’s true that I’m both a wretched evil jerk and also a wonderful, kind, brave leader.
In general, I find truth is often very troublingly paradoxical and nondual.
I am very humbly sorry for the existence of the pain in the world that my piece stirred up.
I’m deeply sorry for everything my ancestors and relatives did to harm other peoples - taking their land, killing and raping, depriving of dignity and opportunity.
Those atrocities committed by my white European ancestors against melanated peoples around the globe are especially sad to contemplate…
.... considering that they were repetitions of the exact same atrocities that my northern and central European tribal ancestors experienced centuries prior during Christian Imperialist invasions.
Here’s what I meant to affirm in dialogue with others before I sadly let my reactivity and fear overtake me:
Remember the old saying “Hurt people, hurt people”?
Consider this: white people are rather desperate spiritual refugees, with plenty of long-denied, never-addressed trauma from the time we were displaced from our indigeneity in Europe and tribal ways by Christian imperialism.
I don’t see this fact being discussed anywhere, and talking about it and working to heal it seems to me an important component of ALL OF US creating the more beautiful, heart-centered and equitable world we want to see.
This very old diasporic trauma in white people - of course including myself— gets unconsciously acted out and repeated in violence of all kinds - against people of other races, and in the many white families like my own filled with addiction, sexual abuse, emotional paralysis and mental illness.
It’s true white people have violently stacked up tons of material and institutional privilege...
... and it’s also true that even with all this material comfort most are suffering acutely, due to all these unhealed wounds from being raped and pillaged and burned by Christian invaders, by having languages and ceremonies and life-ways stamped out….
… and also due to the spiritual and emotional disassociation that springs from repeating these crimes towards other groups.
Again, no one seems to be talking about this so I feel it’s worth pointing to - because HOW ELSE are white people supposed to stop compulsively repeating exploitative assholery against other people, each other, and the earth....
… if we don’t acknowledge and talk about and heal from the exploitative assholery that we also experienced?
Acknowledging the traumatic experience of white European people does not take away from the truth of anyone else’s suffering or the fact that many other peoples have been devastated due to European imperialism.
(Again, this was an imperialism enacted after having previously experienced the same kind of abuse, just like a parent with denied, repressed, disowned, unhealed trauma from their own childhood abuse might go on to abuse their own child.)
It’s just a plain fact that most all of us humans are suffering greatly. I mean, look around. Does this look like a planet where most everyone is free of misery?
In the US, for example, last I heard rates of divorce, suicide, depression, addiction, and anxiety are rising among all groups.
I’m committed to doing everything in my power to make healing and integration widely available for everyone.
I’m especially interested to do this through medicine of all kinds (plant medicine, shadow integration medicine, song medicine, etc.).
I’m also very curious about generating a fresh discourse and paradigm for working towards a marvelous world for all.
Everyone is very welcome to comment, to ignore me, to hate me, to adore me, to defame me to the wide wide world, whatever you need to do, I love it so so so bad and I’m very into it, thank you.
I love you a lot (yes, you reading) and I’m so so grateful for you.
I’ll be having public dialogues in the near future (about healing the wounds of racism and imperialism) with alchemical colleagues of diverse ancestries.
love,
Carolyn
P.S.
Here is the post, for those who don't know what I'm referring to...