The hot pleasure of humiliation

Hello,

Recently, I felt the heat of humiliation after saying something vulnerable to a man I like & not being received the way I had hoped.
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Something in my ego is getting toasted.
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Sweet Jesus, how I wish it weren’t so.
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And.
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Something else in me, something I usually don’t identify as “me”…
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… is really, REALLY into this humiliation.
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Yesterday as I walked I could feel the heat of it shooting like crazy town lava from my foot up my leg into my genitals as I read his … uhhh… edifying texts…
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… and it actually felt really REALLY good, it felt like pleasure…
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… feeling humiliation and rejection was like the secret evil god at the center of the universe making love to me.

It’s in wonderful moments like these that I get to do the alchemy of reconciling the opposites of pain and pleasure.
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Now of course my mind still has plenty of stories about the humiliation, writing volumes in my head like…
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… “exactly what the f*ck is wrong with me, why did I say that???!!!! Freudian psychoanalytic edition with Jungian sub-commentary, part 9”…
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… AND I’m reminding myself it’s ok… I’m not in this life game to “win”…
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… I’m in it to wake ALL the way up out of my suffering, to become Lucid.
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And THAT definitely involves getting my ego turned to toast from time to time.​
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And how sweet sweet sweet of the evil god at the center of the universe (cough, Jesus?, cough)…
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… to have his kinky way with me as I walk down the street.
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What are you getting off on lately as you wake up fully in your life?

best,

Carolyn

author of Existential Kink